As a popular kid growing up, Sue was always spunky and outgoing. She was raised in a middleclass neighborhood and always received good grades in grammar school and high school. (She never went to college.) Sue wasn’t what you’d exactly define as promiscuous, however she enjoyed sex with the right man, got turned on easily, and never had a problem achieving an orgasm.
Mr. Right came walking into Sue’s life one evening when she was 26 years old; his name was Bob. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Sue was working two jobs to pay her rent and car loan – along with all those other expenses single women spend their money on. She was growing weary of the dating and bar scene, and wanted to settle down and have children of her own. Sue felt that if she didn’t start planning right away she’d be looking back on her life in later years regretting how she spent her time growing up as a young adult.
Bob and Sue hit it off. In addition to having a lot in common – socially and intellectually – they were made for one another sexually. In fact, they couldn’t get enough of each other. They started living together only three months after they met. They made love daily, sometimes more than you could count on one hand.
Sue was delighted that Bob, like her, wanted to settle down and begin a family, so they officially tied the knot. The family of Bob and Sue began.
FIVE YEARS LATER: Bob and Sue are now the parents of two beautiful children, a four-year old and a two-and-a-half year old. Bob’s the old-fashioned type. He wanted Sue to be a stay-at-home mom, a mutual understanding.
Even though their sexual intimacy became less frequent (kids do get in the way), Bob and Sue always enjoyed great pleasure when they did have sex; making up for less quantity by assuring their (alone) time was spiced with high quality. But one day, for no apparent reason, a slight shift in Sue’s energy occurred.
Shortly after the kids were put to sleep, and Bob saw his opportunity to bring his wife into the bedroom for everything but sleep, Sue wasn’t in the mood. Despite her lackluster passion, she went ahead and had sex with Bob anyway. But this time, the exchange of pleasure was not mutual. In fact, Sue didn’t climax. Bob was oblivious while Sue was shocked by her unusual and uncharacteristic mood. Making love to the man she loved didn’t interest her, nor did it feel good. Sue didn’t sleep well that night.
Sue’s unusual feelings persisted, and she began to dwell on it – a lot. The more she thought about it, the more she started to trace things backward. Sue was equally as active at initiating sex with Bob as he had always been with her. But she was alarmed that for the better part of that year she was not initiating sex with Bob like she used to. As time progressed, Sue stopped initiating sex with Bob all together.
Confusing thoughts tossed back and forth in Sue’s head like a slow tennis match, while she tried to convince herself that she was simply burnt out and, like most women her age, was simply getting older. Perhaps she was more focused on the kids getting better grades in school, maintaining an organized household, and the fact that both her parents were facing aging challenges. But as the months progressed, that slow tennis match turned into a constant fluttering of disturbing emotions that started resembling an Olympic-level table tennis competition. The mental fluttering consumed Sue’s mind causing the early (and rapidly progressing) stages of depression.
YOU’D NEVER GUESS: In spite of what seemed to be a match-made-in-heaven, Sue’s now divorced to Bob, and in her mid-thirties. The breakup was painful, while the final stages of their marriage were emotionally traumatizing. When Sue somehow lost interest in having sex with Bob, she did what many women do; she believed she was just getting older. She was taught that as a woman aged she was supposed to decline in sensuality and sexuality. The symptoms of lost sexual desire, lack of vaginal lubrication, painful intercourse, and even complete orgasmic failure, to name a few, became Sue’s new identities and, although frustrating and painful, she (reluctantly) regarded these symptoms as normal and natural.
At first, Bob was okay with Sue’s lack of desire. He understood she had her hands full with the kids, the house, and her parents. But his gnawing frustration eventually caused an emotional outbreak, and Bob couldn’t contain how irritated he had become. At first, and for many months afterward, Bob wasn’t saying anything. He didn’t need to because his body language was screaming things like: “Where did my wife go?” “I have needs too!” “Can I please get some (sexual) attention here?”
Eventually, the inner chattering silently screaming inside Bob’s head escalated into bickering, then all-out verbal abuse that, sad to say, initiated the beginning of the end for Bob and Sue. The couple reluctantly went on living together for as long as they could tolerate, kids do hold parents together. But Sue would tell you that it seemed like there was an invisible concrete wall running down the center of their lives. Even as they slept side by side, that wall ran right down the middle of their bed. The verbal abuse, physical and emotional separation, not to mention their lack of sexual expression, had reached its breaking point. That was certainly not the type of climax they enjoyed.
Sue didn’t have an inkling as to what had turned off her desire and pleasure for sex. But when you examine Sue (psychologically and physiologically), you see two very different people – a sexually-invigorated Sue who was excited about her upcoming marriage, then a stressed-out Sue who was struggling to raise her family (a short) five years later. Analyzing the psycho-physiological data, and committing to an expertly designed protocol, the changes that caused Sue’s sexual demise are, according to Dr. Ann Marie Toomey, OB/Gyn, Hormone Specialist, Fertility & Sexual Health Counselor from San Luis Obispo, CA, accurately identifiable and successfully treatable.
Sue’s a great person, but she’s far from self-respectful. She was gaining weight consistently since her last child, and she started to dress differently to conceal her body. Her inside feelings surfaced on the outside; she was the one building that concrete wall. Not only wasn’t he able to feel his wife, Bob was having difficulty seeing her as she was always covered up. On many occasions, Bob frequently blurted out sarcastic remarks about Sue’s enlarging hips, thighs, and buttocks, directly to Sue and, many times, in front of the kids and friends. Hearing this only made Sue crawl deeper into her depression, while sticking her hands deeper into the cookie jar to gain (at least) some satisfaction in her life. It was a vicious cycle.
The fact that Sue always smoked cigarettes wasn’t helping the situation either. And let’s be honest, her eating habits stunk. (I wasn’t exaggerating about the cookie jar.) Her diet was totally devoid of even the minimum of nutritional requirements she needed. Sue was burnt out, stressed out, worn out, confused, depressed, and broken. And according to many experts, when you’re under stress hormonal deficiencies (inevitably) ensue.
According to statistics, there are millions of Sues in America – and millions more around the world. A study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology reported that 44.2% of 40,000 women surveyed were experiencing either low sexual desire or orgasm difficulties. According to a report by The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in Obstetrics & Gynecology, 43.1% of 31,581 females also reported sexualproblems pertaining to desire, arousal, and orgasm.
In addition to her ever-increasing depression, the mindset Sue relied upon to determine the cause of her problem was old school; she just figured that aging women inevitably lost their sensuality and sexuality. She assumed that her happy, healthy, sexy days were left to memory. But, according to many modern day sexual-health experts, like Dr. Tommey, nothing could be further from the truth. “Modern sexual science has become extremely effective at diagnosing, treating, and even curing sexual disorders in women, no matter what their age.”, states Tommey.
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Written By John Abdo: Taken from the book ‘Ultimate Sexual Health & Performance™’: John Abdo is a former Olympic coach, Inductee into the National Fitness Hall of Fame, Award-Winning Health & Fitness Expert, and the author of the doctor-endorsed book Ultimate Sexual Health & Performance™.
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This article is offered as information only and is the opinion of the author and should not be construed as medical advice.